Take Three

Ok now I could go on and on about how hard it was, but I will just give you the highlights. My father was not an alcoholic, and when he stuck to only beer he was fine. He was funny and gregarious; when he was great he was great. But when he drank hard liquor he became a different person. My brother and I could always tell when it was about to hit the fan. There was a look in my fathers eye, which started this transformation. Just like the werewolf movies. He would become violent to an extreme and all reason was thrown out. And the other problem was he was one tough son of a bitch. I mean he was able to devastate anyone.

 At least all the fights I seen him in, never seen him lose, so here you have a man who is more than capable of causing havoc and he did. Now me being here for the first time being new to the world I thought this was how life was. To give you an idea why I thought this was because it wasnt only my father who was nuts I had a couple of uncles on my mothers side who were also over the top when it came to life. While my Dad was a responsible person in making sure we had money to make ends meet even to the point of working up to 3 jobs at once just to keep us going. These two were just in it for the ride. Whatever their life was about it was about them. Though again I did learn about life in the strangest of ways. The incredible fact that I live through most of these experiences was astonishing. But thats for later in the story.

 I remember the happy times of going fishing with Dad and mom. Two stories come to mind, once we were fishing of the jetties and it was raining hard. My brother mother and I had given up. But Dad was determined to catch a dam fish. He was wearing an old army fatigue coat watching the wind and rain whip around for hours then all of a sudden the pole bent and he was smiling so big because it was really bending the pole. So we thought oh my this is going to be big. He played that fish back and forth making sure he didnt break the line reeling in a bit at a time.

Something right out of those fishing shows you watch on TV. He attracted the few other crazys out there still fishing in this storm and everyone was excited with him. Then he finely got the catch to the edge and pulled up. And we lost it I mean us and the guys out there with him as he pulled up a toilet seat. Yes a toilet seat all ten pounds of it with the lid. And was he angry man oh man he was cussing and carrying on. But he was also laughing along with everyone else. Another time we were fishing we were all over the jetties again and all fishing in different spots.

We had packed a lunch which was next to our gear and my mother ask me to get something out of the plaid bag. Now my brother tells this better than I do. My parents ask me again to get something out of the plaid bag. There were at least 3-4 bags sitting there and I kept staring at them as they started to yell in unison, ITS IN THE PLAID BAG. And I just kept looking at the bags and they were just going on and on “ITS IN THE PLAID BAG”

And I was desperate to find this bag, only problem was I didnt know what plaid was. And rather than admit I didnt I just kept staring at the bags at my feet.

 So needless to say for the rest of my life I have never lived down the plaid bag. Every time someone would ask me to get something and I could not find it you would hear everyone yell “IT’S IN THE PLAID BAG. Just to let you know it wasnt always hard but when it got hard it was hard. We had days fun and sun, beaches and swimming. Had times of play and as we grew up my brother had baseball, he was a catcher and was pretty good at it as he seemed to be in anything he has attempted. My father was proud of my brother, he was his name sake which my brother hated being called Jr. But my dad wanted his first son to have his name and so Fred was stuck.

But as we grew I could always tell my father, not so much that he preferred Fred over me, its just Fred was always first in his eyes. First borns are that to fathers, their first offspring is the fruit of their loins, their legacy. And Freddy was an avid sports fan like my father and they would watch baseball football and hockey and such while discussing the merits of the game or the stats of their favorite team. Me I could never get sports, I was to young it seemed and really not as interested as Fred was. I remember dad taking Freddy to a Mets game and was disappointed I couldnt go but it was because Freddy had done well in school.

And while I was disappointed I wasnt devastated just a kid who wanted to do what his older brother was doing. As time went on the family just started to fall apart, arguments over money and such. My parents had been able to buy a house in the middle of all of this and my mother decided to remodel it from the top to the bottom. I mean this woman took it apart. By this time my mother was working in the city and had been promoted up from switchboard operator which I have a neat picture of me sitting on the floor next to her as she is operating the old time switch board with all the plugs and wires that had to be manually pushed in and unplugged to connect and disconnect.

My dad at this time was working up to 3 jobs and I have a great memory of mom getting a large poodle from someone while dad was at work, and my father came in about 2 in the morning to go to bed before work at 7 and the dog would not let him upstairs. That dog was defending us from him.  So here is my dad standing down stairs and yelling up to my mother to come get this dam dog. We were all awake laughing but not dad. He wanted to shoot the dog.

Ok so say it was difficult, it still was simply the way it was. I learned from my Dad my Mom even my crazy uncles and a few lovely aunts. My cousins where also having to deal with the same kinda crap it was all in different degrees, some had better situations others had it worse.

 So lets just say life was good and when it went bad it just went over the top bad. I have great empathy for my cousins, my brother and I were the oldest and we got to watch as they grew and all they had to deal with. During a particular bad time in my life, my brother had gone into the military to get away from the drama. (And I wish I had more time to go into his life because some of it was pretty funny)Maybe I will J

But he was gone and my mother and I were having a difficult time with my father. My Mom wanted a divorce and my Dad did not. Which because he was being so aggressive and adamant about it all, my Mom was just being beat down emotionally and physically though it all. She did try to fight back but it was almost impossible with the amount of pushback my Dad was able to apply. So one day as I come home from school, I notice cop cars in front of my house so I go racing down to see what happen just fearing the worse because seldom would the cops be called and it was at a time even if they came nothing would ever happen. Domestic violence was dealt with like it is now.

So I go running into the house not knowing what to expect and I see my Father in tears talking to a cop about Mom and he turns and faces me and says your Mother has left a note that she has taken pills and drove off in her car to go die. I am a kid standing in my house with my heart and mind just not being able to understand this at all. My thoughts were all at once, my feelings were extreme, hurt, pain, anger and a sense I was so alone. As the cops finished taking information, my Father decided we should go look for her.

Remember we are an island and not a very large one so my thoughts were yes lets go. We took off and started looking down every road and lane we could think of that would be secluded which was just about everywhere. So my heart was sinking because all of a sudden this small island became very large.

As we were driving my Father started telling me how sorry he was and telling me things he had done some of which I knew and other things, you know what I really didnt need or want to know. I finally said Dad its not about you right now thats not important lets just look for mom. Look at this incredible moment of my life all I know is my mother is trying to die and I want to save her.

 Man what a helpless feeling for me. This is one of those memories which no matter what I do whenever it comes around I never know what to do with the emotion it brings or what emotion to have when it for whatever reason pops up. Well she didnt die, she came home the next morning and the short of it God didnt want her dead. She had taken enough pills to do the job but also drank a bottle of whisky to wash it down and make it easier.

Well she started to get sleepy a followed a big rig to someplace in jersey. (just a personal note I would not want to die in jersey) So she parked her car and went to fall asleep but before she did she puked. I mean everything whiskey, pills food and then fell asleep. Which saved her life and in fact gave her a new set of huevos  (balls to you Yankees)   My mom was quite the woman , she never backed down to my father but over the years a sense of hopelessness and brokenness just beat her down and she reached a point she just wanted it over. But she came back that morning with a fury and told my father to get out she was done and done she was. He was so happy to see her and wanted to just it all be ok but she refused and she was adamant. She had a new lease on life and it would never be the same between her and my father again.

 He left, but this is a good time to interject my understanding about my father. I do not think my father wanted to be as he was. I think he fought himself and wanted to be different. I watched my father struggle with himself over so many things, but his thought process was skewed and he seemed willing but unable to change and regretful about it his entire life.

Like I said I seen him do so many wonderful things and care for some many in such a sweet way, this side of him was just ingrained and almost organic in a way to where he was captured in it. So as you can see my life had a hard edge to it in so many ways, but do not feel sorry for me or say oh how sad. Because as tough as my earlier life was as I got older it didnt get easier but this things helped me to cope with the rest of my life and something was about to happen to me that changed me to the core for the rest of my life.